Less than two weeks

I really haven't had anything to blog about it because life has continued as usual. Once we had the date, I have just started getting some things in order and going about my day as usual. We now have a blood work/paper work date of the 19th of November.

This morning, I woke and realized that our days of being "normal" are numbered. It made me cry. I love our "normal". I love my husband. I love my kids. I wish this was over.

I wish God would let me know what we are supposed to do with this journey. What are we supposed to learn and share with others?

We have a date

I have been waiting and waiting for us to get the surgery date and now that it's here, I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse!! Now all I can think of is how much I have to do between now and then. I will never get it all done but I will do my best. I will just pray that God guides me to do what is most important and not be overwhelmed. The same goes for Tony. Lists and more lists of things that should be done! Oh well. The only list that really matters is the one God has put before us...may we open our eyes and ears to what he wants us to be doing right now.

November 22, 2010...surgery. We will be ready with God.

Normal Day

What a wonderful normal day today. Kade had a swim meet and I went with him. Tristan had baseball and Tony went with him and Connor had bowling and my sister took him. It is a weekend with out "cancer". It is a weekend just like any other. It is NORMAL!! Tonight is Halloween and we are going to our friends home, Mike and Michele and letting the boys trick or treat in their neighborhood. Letting them have some fun and nobody is mentioning the word cancer for the most part. We are having fun and enjoying the weekend....one day at a time and today is a great NORMAL day!!

Sleep

Tony finally slept. Seven hours of sleep before he woke up. We are praising God for that.

Get it together

Yesterday was tough. It's hard to get mad at someone that has cancer!! LOL!! But I have decided that I can't make things all cookies and cream so to speak. Life goes on, family goes on, and sometimes you just have to put your foot down for the greater good. Tony is not eating...He is going to make himself sick since he already has what the doctors call a "compromised immune system". He cannot get sick before this surgery. We do not want it delayed for any reason. We need to get the date and move on it.

I can't say I know how he feels or it will "be OK". Because I don't know that...what I do know is you can't walk around and be angry or sullen because it hurts those around you.

We as a family have to get our act together.....

Sleeping on it

I always seem to type up this blog in the morning after I have slept on the days events.

Tony and I went to see our family physician and discuss the treatment options that were presented to us by the specialist and get a little clarity. Tony has opted for the general surgery. This is an invasive surgery that requires the doctor to go through the stomach and stomach muscle but it is a very thorough surgery. The doctor will be able to look around and see if there is any more cancer and touch the nodes and see if they have cancer and remove them. I have no idea when this is going to be scheduled but it will be with in three weeks. I believe in my heart and even my gut that Tony has made the right decision.

I have to say this is a truly difficult time for us but I have about as much peace as I can possible have. I'm not full of anxiety every day, the tears are less if not gone for the most part and we are barely making it financially but as of now, we are shuffling enough to make it. It helps that we have been very blessed by Kade's swim team, they have taken some of that financial burden away. The electric company has agreed to give us a small extension and I have to call the gas company today. We have some great friends that have brought us groceries, and meals and lots of prayers.

Now, if I can just get my kids to relax and stop worrying. I know they are like little sponges and absorb not just the words but the emotions and moods that are around them. My emotions are ok, just really tired, Tony is now thinking that "this really sucks" as he so eloquently put it!! I can't even begin to imagine how he is feeling or what is going on but I can tell you that he is a fighter even when he is scared or tired or mad. I am really praying that God just lays his hands on him and grants him peace in his mind and in his heart.

Tristan has gotten a little worse but the pain is less. Kade has been swimming his heart out and Connor just plain loves his daddy and doesn't think he is sick.

What a way to start another week!! You know though, I feel good. I am in good spirits and am just thinking positive thoughts. God is so good and this could be so much worse. We are very blessed just having each other.

There isn't much crying anymore, there aren't the dreaded unanswered questions. Now Tony has to make his decision and we will move on with treatment.

I keep praying and wait for God's answers....right now, God has granted me peace and sleep...I slept great last night and have peace today. One day at a time.

Took a Break!

Ok, it's been 4 days since my last post. We went to the doctor Thursday, October 21st and small blessings, no bone cancer. As far as they could tell, it is not in the nodes either. Bad news, it is a very aggressive cancer. As soon as Tony decides what kind of treatment he is going to choose, we will move with in three weeks to have the cancer treated/removed. Tony is processing the news and will choose his treatment on Monday.

Tristan came down with shingles due to stress. It has been 4 days and I think I am going to have to call the doctor back...still blistered. Poor guy. I feel so bad for him. I think he is having a hard time dealing with his dad having cancer and now dealing with having shingles. I will just keep praying and see how he is in the morning. Tristan and his dad seemed to have a wonderful bachelors weekend together. I hope that is just what Tristan needed to help deal with what is going on with his dad. They did take third in the baseball tournament and his dad was so proud of him and the whole team. A compliment from dad seems to go a long way to making my boy smile all night!!

I took Kade, Connor and my nephew Jimmy to Texas this weekend to visit my dad. I can not even begin to tell you how much I needed that break especially before we start Tony's treatment. We were so relaxed. The kids stayed outside all weekend and each night they were exhausted. I was exhausted myself and slept pretty well. The boys caught a lizard and a catapiller. The catapiller was eneromous and we brought him home and the lizard we let loose!! We also came home with 4 feet of snake skin!! I relaxed and didn't worry the whole weekend. Now, don't get me wrong, I read the book 100 questions and answers about cancer this weekend so it wasn't completely off my mind but it did answer most of my questions. I missed my husband and T-bone so very much but the boys and I needed the get away. Both of my boys wanted to sleep with me. I know they are scared but a weekend away from the tension was good for all of us. Cancer was not a household word this weekend....go outside was our household pharse this weekend.....and they did!! Swinging, jumping, playing, running, bike riding, feeding horses and oh, the sound of laughter....what a precious sound that is...we need more of that every day.

I thank my God for the safe journey, the time with my dad and kids, the time Tristan and Tony had together and for bringing us all together again at the end of the weekend. I especially thank God for letting us all be kinder to one another and being more understanding to each other and for being able to tell each other that we love each other. God does everything for a reason and that includes my husbands cancer.

my husband has cancer

Today is a better day. I slept pretty well. Had a nice conversation with my dad last night. I sure am blessed to have such an awesome dad and sister. I don't know what I would do with out my family. Sometimes you just need to talk. Not have someone tell you it's ok or even talk at all...sometimes you just need to talk and know someone is listening or at least acting like they are listening just so you can vent and cry or whatever it is I need to do at the moment. I think I am just getting more worried and scared the closer we get to Thursday. Last night I had a dream that I had cancer and the kids were going to be left all alone. I guess that is just anxiety. It's hard to imagine what is going through Tony's mind. For those of you that know him, you know he is not a very vocal person. He doesn't express emotions very well at all so I have no idea what is going through his mind except he has mentioned that he is worried. That is all I get from him except he has stated that he needs me to stay strong and not to break down on him. No pressure!! I love my husband so very much and just the though of him being sick worries me. He is NEVER sick and to know that he seems fine right now but has cancer is still just shocking. You would expect him to have some sort of symptoms but there was no sign at all. I know that is how cancer usually is but when it is in your own home, you want to believe that there would be a sign or symptom of some sort. A fever or anything...NOPE, he still gets up and goes to work, he still holds baseball practice or works out with T-bone on baseball....seems like normal except....my husband has cancer.

My sister and her family brought us ice cream tonight. It was so yummy!! I figure if I'm not sleeping very well, I might as well have some ice cream!! My husband was already in bed...I had just put the kids in bed. When my sister arrived she told me to get the kids up it was time for ice cream!! I sent her kids up to tell them. They were very excited!! I keep telling myself it's the little things. I hope I can remember that because I am trying not to get so wrapped up in what is to come but it is very difficult to keep that from happening. Without knowing, you can only imagine. Some days, I think everything will be fine. Other days...not so much. Today was a not so much day. I am very worried about my husband and my family. I can only do so much and some days it feels like it isn't enough or I am not in "tune" with my kids the way I should be. I pray that I won't let this overwhelm me. I do have a good support group of family and friends. I firmly believe that God puts people in your life for a reason. I have been really blessed by my "kids" parents. They have really been supportive and understanding and boy do they listen well!! I have a wonderful sister and her family and then there is my dad. He is a God send. He has been a rock through this for me. He has listened and been supportive and also put me in check when I feel like I am unraveling. Sometimes I call him just to know he is still there and I know I can talk to him. I talk to my sister every day about anything. She is awesome....

I just wish I wasn't so tired....Guess I will try and go to bed...Good night everyone!

Sleep really is overrated

I have to tell you that sleep is overrated! The Knoch husband and wife are not getting much sleep even with the help of a sleeping pill. I am praying that the kids are sleeping better than we are but as the doctor put it, "they are little sponges, they are absorbing everything that is going on." If that is the case, I can't imagine that they are getting any restful sleep either.

When this all started with a biopsy, I was so positive.."no way he can have cancer...I have such a good feeling....everything is going to be just fine...I'm not worried at all." Now, today, this very moment, I don't feel like things are going to turn our great. I'm sure it is some sort of preparing myself for the worst just in case and I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that we are exhausted but I am trying to stand strong in my faith...to let God handle this but some days, it is just really difficult.

Today, it is just difficult.

Exhausting day

Well the bone scan and the CT scan are done. It was exhausting...mentally. I wish we had some answers but know we won't get any until Thursday. The scans will be sent to the doctor tomorrow but I doubt we will know anything until Thursday. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep.

On a more positive note, our friends The Wirth's.....I cannot even begin to tell you the blessings they have provided to our family. We are showered with prayers, meals and groceries. The things I forget or I'm just to tired to go to the store, God seems to send the Wirth's to my house with exactly what we need. What a gift from God this family is...they seem to know how emotionally exhausting this truly is on all of us. We may be walking and talking but sometimes we are not thinking and we are to tired to go anywhere or do anything. It seems that they know. I hope that God blesses the Wirth's as they seem to be very special angels that have blessed us in abundance.

Waiting...

Lately I have been a whirlwind of emotions. Not worried one minute and thinking about other things to crying the next. I guess if I didn't acutally talk to anyone about Tony and the kids, I would be fine. If I actually open my mouth and speak about it, I get full of anxiety and I cry. I have to say that yesterday, I just plastered on a smile and said everything is fine, we are just taking things one day at a time...didn't talk about the kids or anything specific....I made it through that conversation with out crying. Of course, I didn't know the person I was talking to all that well. Talking to family, the doctors or close friends, I just seem to lose it. I'm sure all of this is normal but it makes me crazy. I don't want to feel like this, I want to know what is going on and what the treatment is and side effects and how long it is going to take and what to expect and what to tell the kids and I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS. I realize that we will know on Thursday but right now, Thursday is a really long time away.

So Far So Good

I went to the back doctor yesterday and found out I have a herniated disc. Told the doctor that I had to hold off on treating that until I found out about Tony. Took Tristan to the doctor and all is well with him! The doctor talked to him about Tony and his illness and explained that it's ok to be scared and worried and to talk about it and gave Tristan his phone number. Every time we talk about Tony, Tristan has a nervous little habit about him and of course it started up when the doctor was talking. I think the talk helped though.

As I stated in my post yesterday, it was not a good day! Last night however was fantastic. We went to some friends house...Mike and Michele, and we had a blast. We left the kids at home and Tony and I had a few hours away from it all and I have to say, we haven't laughed that much in a long time!! Who knew how funny Mike and Michele truly were!! LOL!! It was so nice to do something "normal". To go on a "date" that we truly enjoyed and talked and laughed. I can't wait to do it again!

We are very blessed.

OK, today was CRAP

Really enjoyed the day with my son but I have been full of anxiety. Probably from having to explain to my back doctor that I can't have my treatment because my husband has cancer and I still have no answers so I have no time frame to give you as to when I can be back to start my treatment. Also having to explain to Tristan's doctor that he is not handling this situation well at all and I don't know what to do. Crying and stressed today.

I am praying that today will be a good day. I will be spending the morning with Tristan. We both have doctors appointments so we are going to hang out today and hopefully he will open up to me a little more. I am also going to be speaking to his doctor about what is going on and see if he has any suggestions. It's not like Tristan is walking around in some depression but it seems little things will set him off or bring out the tears. I'm sure all of this so far is perfectly normal but I need to know what is not normal since I sometimes just get in a fog myself. I think it is some sort of protection mode...going through the motions to keep everyone on schedule so you don't cry when in all actuality, that is the only thing you want to do. I believe I threw my sons cell phone and my medicine in the trash can the other night. Just going through the motions. I have now learned that I can't just go through the motions, I have to pay attention to what I am cleaning and not just throw anything away!!

One day at a time...sometimes, one minute at a time but we will make it...we are a family!

So Tired yet so thankful

I cannot believe how tired Tony and I have been over the last week. It has come to the point that Tony is up probably three or more times a night. I mean literally out of bed and sitting in the chair. Last night, I went to the store and picked up some Benadryl and he only woke up once. So thankful. I wish that we didn't have to wait so long for answers. I truly think that is the hardest part. Everyone has to wait, Tony, me, the kids, our dear family and friends. We only have a week to go but I have to tell you that this has been the longest week of my life. I was talking to my sister and was trying to explain to her that it really feels like a month. The anxiety has been overwhelming at times. We have spent more money in the past two weeks that it could be a month but it hasn't been. I don't feel like the waiting will ever end.

Our friends The Wirth's are so very kind. It has been exhausting just knowing Tony has cancer...all the what ifs going through your mind. I don't think anyone had known this but, I hadn't even gone to the store because I was just to tired. I was out of milk, almost out of toilet paper and out of paper towels....THIS IS HOW AWESOME OUR GOD IS....The Wirth's offered to bring us dinner which I said yes to..(my kids needed something besides PB&J)..not only did they bring us a fantastic bar-b-que dinner, they brought us...guess what....milk, toilet paper, paper towels and many other things to make our life easier. The blessings have been endless. God I know will continue to watch over us this next week when we get the answers to all the questions we need to have answered.

Please continue to pray for us and know that I will continue to blog whether anyone reads it or not, who knows!! It just makes me feel better. I don't even know if very many people even know about it or not!! If anyone is reading it, it's because they love and care about us! Please know that we love and care about each and everyone of you as well...God has placed all of us together for a reason and I am considering myself very blessed!

I love my friend Jen

It doesn't matter what kind of day I am having, Jen is there. She calls and checks on the family every day. She is thoughtful and kind and has been helping me out with what I need to get done before Tony's options are even presented to us. She is a phone call away at any given moment. I look forward to our coffee together and just our friendship. You would think with all that is going on in my life, I would be focused on talking about cancer and our problems all the time but with Jen, that is not the case!! She is so funny and when I am around her, I laugh and smile and we talk about everything!! Kids, dogs, shopping and funny things in our life!! She helps me remember that there is life outside of cancer. There are happy times even with cancer. Yet, she is there for the tears and the sad times as well. God has so blessed me with Jen. I hope one day that she will know exactly what a blessing she is to me and our family.

Tristan....

I have to say this is really hurting my heart. I'm not talking about the fact that Tony is sick, I'm talking about Tristan. Of all my children, he is taking this the hardest. I want to hold him and love on him but he is just pulling away. He isn't sleeping well, he is forgetting his assignments, he forgets his stuff at school. His mind is someplace else. Last night his batting helmet was busted and you would have thought his world had ended.....I went upstairs to talk to him and told him it wasn't a big deal, we would get another one. He doesn't want another one, that one has all the scuffs and all the MEMORIES. I told him that his memories are in his heart and if he had to put them in one object, he has his dirty, stinky baseball cap that he has been using for the past four years and still won't let me wash!! That seemed to make sense to him and he is fine with that. I want to fix this for him. I want to make it all better. I want to take his hurt away but I can't. All I can do is pray for him. Hug on him and let him know I love him and if he needs anything, I am here for him so is his dad. Tristan needs to find an outlet. Will contact his youth leader and see if he can help. I don't know what to do and as a mom that is the hardest feeling in the world. I love my boys and I hate it when they hurt. PRAY PRAY PRAY

I have to say there have been good days and bad days since we have found out about Tony's cancer. For the most part, mine have been getting better. The kids however...they seem to be getting worse. As a mom, I would love to be able to crawl inside their mind and find out what they are thinking and I would love to be able to look into their heart and see how they are feeling. I do know that they need to be able to talk about all of this but I can't make them talk. I can't make them open up to me. For those of us with boys, you will understand what I am talking about. I feel as if my boys are trying to stay strong for me, to protect me. This is especially true for my older boys. I don't go around talking about Tony's cancer, I keep the boys on their schedule as much as possible yet I see a change in them. Tristan who has been doing so well in school...all of a sudden is forgetting his homework and not turning his papers in. Kade who is usually so methodical, forgot to take his titanium sports necklace of before swimming and it was stolen. Connor...well, he hasn't changed all that much! I do have to say that as brothers, they are getting along so much better. There is no arguing at bedtime anymore, and they give extra hugs throughout the day to me and their dad. My continued prayers need to include the boys more and to give me peace, wisdom and guidance dealing with this situation. I need to remember to pray for the whole family and not just Tony.

My God and my family are everything to me...anything else isn't really that important. Cancer makes you put things in perspective. I am very thankful for that.

Word is out

Well, the word is finally out to everyone that needs to hear it. I can't say it was easy. I had to notify the baseball parents by email. There is no way I could have phoned each one of them and let them know. That would have been very difficult. Tony has such a love for the kids on that team. Other than God and his family, I don't think there is anything he loves more than his baseball team. I have to tell you that my husband has to be the most positive man in the world. He has informed me that I can prepare all I want, he is not going to get sick and he is going to be fine. He will beat this thing and life will go on. I love that about my husband! He could be wallowing in sorrow and being miserable but instead, he is already fighting half the battle before we even know what the whole battle will consist of.

We have the most wonderful friends in the world. We have already had a wonderful meal from the Begansky's and we have another family the Wirth's that are bringing a meal for us as well. It has truly relieved some stress just being able to put plates on the table and have food for the family. I cannot tell you what a gift that is. What a stress reliever that is.

My family and I are truly blessed.

My Sister

Now that I am a little more rational, I have to talk about my sister!! The day Tony called me about his biopsy results and told me he had cancer, I was at my sisters house. Ever since that phone call, she has been with me every step of the way. She has helped with my kids, she has helped with the shopping, she has helped with keeping my sanity.

My sister has enough of her own family issues to deal with but let me tell you how awesome she is....she has quit her job. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't just because of Tony having cancer, there were other factors but the final decision was made because she and her husband decided that she needed to be available for her kids and my family. How AWESOME is that? What a wonderful gift to know that she is available at a moments notice. What a great sacrifice they are making not only for their family but for mine as well.

My sister makes a point to call and check on me just to make sure I'm doing ok...everyday. She will just stop by with a Dr. Pepper just to say "hi". I am so blessed to have her in my life. I am so blessed that she and her family are so willing to be there for us. What an awesome family.

Thanks Darcy!! I love you and I will never, ever be able to repay you and your family for all you are doing for us! There is a special spot in heaven for you!!

Cancer is a funny word..

Today I was thinking about how no one wants to ever hear the word cancer. Lately, it has become part of our daily vocabulary!! At first it was a very scary word but now, it is a word that doesn't scare me quite as much. It doesn't make me cry as much. It has made me realize that we have some really good friends. We have a really good life. We have a fantastic family. We have great kids and we have an incredible GOD. It isn't a word that makes me wonder. It is a word that I am determined to beat and be able to say Tony's cancer is gone or in remission. It is a word that I am planning to be able to use in the past tense. It is a word that we will be able to use when we are able to beat this then comfort others that are going through the same thing. Cancer is an illness.....not a death sentence. Cancer can be cured, it can be treated and it can be scary. Cancer can also be something that brings your family together like never before. Makes you kinder to each other and not quite so proud. Brings you closer to your friends. Allows you to open up your hearts and your God to your family and friends. It allows to to rest and let people help you because you know they love you and want to help you. It allows you to see that God places angels in even the small things and in the strangest places and in wonderful family and friends and even strangers.

Cancer may be scary but it does have some positive reactions after the shock wears off! My God will take care of the cancer and give us gifts that we have never known before....

Our God is AWESOME

I have to tell you a little story about how awesome our God truly is....

Once the shock of Tony having cancer sort of wore off, I started going through this check list of what I needed to do....

First thing, make our bedroom into a fantastic, comfortable man cave for him. Something masculine but bright and functional. I have ZERO money since we have paid out who knows how much on doctors visits so far so I was "window shopping" with my friend Jen. Jen is one of few that knows what is going on with Tony. I was looking and wishing and Jen kept track and put in a pile of what I thought would be perfect for Tony and the man cave!!

We are five minutes from closing and my friend Jen starts talking to the manager and explains the situation....next thing you know, I am moved to tears...AGAIN...not only because of my sorrow about Tony but more so by the generosity of this stranger that just gave me all of the items I had picked out...it still brings chills to me just thinking about how MY GOD orchestrated all of that and how HE blessed not only me and my family but Jen as well.

Today, the man cave begins. I need a few other things but for the most part, there will be a major transformation to our bedroom. My husband has no idea how he is going to be blessed through all of this. This is just the beginning I am sure. Not only will we be blessed but our God is sure to bless many by going through the Knoch journey with us.

I LOVE MY GOD.

Enjoy life...say yes to the small stuff!

There is nothing like seeing the look on your kids face when they ask you if they can have a Popsicle in the middle of the night and you say yes!!! That is priceless!! I'm not sweating the small stuff and I am savoring each moment! Eat a popsicle at 11:40 pm and enjoy it!!

Missing my T-Bone but Kade and Connor are loving their popsicles!!

Enjoy Life! Love Life!

WOW...

I had no idea what having cancer does to everyone.....this is what I have observed so far.....

As a family, we are kinder to one another.
We say "I love you" more.
We are more patient with each other.
We are more respectful of each other.
We help each other out.
I make sure the boys are hugged daily!!

So far, Tony having cancer has touched each of us in one way or another. 

I love my husband on a deeper level.  I love my kids on a deeper level.  It's not just the quick "Love you, bye" anymore.  It's eye contact, speaking to each person directly as though they are the only person in the world.  I want to make sure they know they matter.  That they are important.  That I love them.  That they are irreplaceable. 

The boys are kinder to each other. 
The boys are more respectful to me.
The boys are more helpful around the house.

Tristan is enjoying his time with his dad more than ever before.  Tristan is appreciating all his dad does for him more.  Tristan loves his dad and has a great relationship with him.

Kade has had the most questions.  Kade is watching from a distance.  Kade is waiting and taking it all in.  He needs all the information then we will see what happens.  Kade loves and worries about his dad. 

Connor has asked if his dad will die.  I had to tell him that we had great doctors and probably not but we don't have all the answers yet.  Connor asked if dad hurt.....I could honestly answer that one and say no.  I could NOT say that there was a lot of pain but none of it was physical.  Connor has a special relationship with his daddy.  His daddy is still his hero.  Connor asked all the questions the other boys wanted to but didn't.  All the questions I want answers to but don't have. 

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

YESTERDAY

Yesterday was a really bad day.
Yesterday I found out my husband has cancer.
Yesterday I had to tell my boys that their dad has cancer.
Yesterday I held onto my husband and my boys.
Yesterday....I cried when everyone was asleep.

TODAY...I called the doctor.

TODAY, I talked to my friend Abby about Tony's condition and she gave me the information I needed to be strong.

TODAY, I made arrangements to make sure my kids were taken care of in case of an emergency.

TODAY, I cried and I prayed.

TODAY, I DECIDED TO WATCH HOW AWESOME OUR GOD IS.